I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Soap is not a condiment
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
