She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
