five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize