Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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