These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize