she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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