Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you guys were way drunker than both of me
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
