I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
