grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
