we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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