Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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