just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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