she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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