Taylor Swift is so right about you.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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