hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
