my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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