Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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