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I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Did you pee in the oven last night??
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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