i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you traded sex for a burrito?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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