is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Buhtt sex?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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