Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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