i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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