he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
