If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
