I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
