I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Randomize
