there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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