My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
