I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
