I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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