I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
