She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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