I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
