how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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