Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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