You smell like a Billy Joel song
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
