Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
