I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
