every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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