You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
