Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
