Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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