i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
