I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
