I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
