I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
