This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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