Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
