Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
