why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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