I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
