thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
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