I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
