this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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