awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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