a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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