I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i think my cat just said my name.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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