I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Vodka?
Forever.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
